Daily Archives: July 22, 2013

World economy explained with two cows

[Almost no-one dares mention the name of the former CFO in the definition of Venture Capitalism for reasons that the bovine defendant “has a fiduciary duty to his fellow members of council” and the council has been required all the while to collect higher taxes.]

Received.
Monday, 22 July 2013 9:46 p.m.

Two cows (crop)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows
One of them’s a horse!

[ends]

Posted by Elizabeth Kerr

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Dunedin: New £300m fund

Folks, we’ve reached Nirvana – through partnership.
Mayor Dave’s been working our (Hidden Dunedin) sister-city relationships with great success. The council’s consolidated debt is CANCELLED, pending further notices!!
Disaster AVERTED.

Received.
Monday, 22 July 2013 12:38 p.m.

### telegraph.co.uk 6:19PM BST 21 Jul 2013
Dunedin bucks investment trend with new £300m fund
By James Quinn
Dunedin, the London-based private equity firm, has closed its third fund at £300m, it can be disclosed. The total is approximately £50m higher than the £250m Dunedin had initially been aiming to raise, and bucks the trend in an otherwise lacklustre private equity and venture capital fundraising market. Approximately 60% of the funds have come from outside the UK, as overseas investors want to benefit from Dunedin’s focus in the small and mid-sized company market.
The proportion of international backers is three times that from Dunedin’s previous fund, when foreign money made up just 20% of the total invested.
The new fund, the closing of which is expected to be announced as early as today, is understood to have been particularly popular among north American and Scandinavian investors. There also has been increased interest from backers in Germany and France, it is believed.
The Dunedin Buyout Fund III, as it is formally known, is understood to have received investments from sovereign wealth funds, state and private pension funds, insurance companies, foundations and so-called “fund of fund” specialists. In addition, some £60m of the new fund is understood to have been committed by the Dunedin Enterprise Investment Trust, which is listed on the London Stock Exchange. The fundraising was led by Shaun Middleton, Dunedin’s managing partner.
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HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY

Posted by Elizabeth Kerr

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